Fucking Bots, Man.
My favorite thing about a new, new old thing launching is the amount of ink spilled writing I TOLD YOU SEE MY POST FROM 2007 ABOUT HOW BOTS ARE EATING THE WORLD, WAIT I STOLE THAT FROM MARC ANDREESSEN. THEY AREN’T EATING THE WORLD, THEY ARE JUST SNACKING! AND SORRY FOR THE CAPS BUT INK IS CHEAP AND I AM FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKING EXCITED ABOUT HOW I CALLED IT ON THE BOTS. BOTS MAN!
Can I tell you a little secret?
Facebook built nothing new. Just prettier.
Pandorabots has been around since 2008. Here, chat with an animated Captain Kirk (just don’t ask him about green alien women).
Chatbots lists almost 1200 bots that have been created. twelve hundred.
Technological innovation has stopped being about inventing new and has become all about reinventing old.
And that’s ok.
But, Jesus Double H Christ, stop talking about bots as if they are a revelation and are going to change the world.
I know most of you are young and you used AOL Instant Messenger in the third grade and the porn bots were super grody.
I know that many of you hate human interaction unless it involves sex, although that is shifting with virtual reality. (Yes, we are innovating on masturbation.)
How strange is it, in a world where the ability to communicate effectively continues to disappear in a world of poop emoji, that the greatest excitement is the ability to type into messenger “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WANTED A PIZZA AND YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING CREEPY!” or say aloud “NO SIRI! GODDAMN IT! I MEANT UUUUUUUU-BBBBBBEEEERRR! UBER YOU PIECE OF SHIT. SORRY, I KNOW I AM CALLING YOU BAD THINGS, BUT I JUST NEED A FUCKING RIDE!”
Somewhere, we have forgotten the pleasure of speaking words to another human being and having them hear them, emote and respond.
Do you know what the number one thing to do in dating?
Call the other person.
Yes, PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE.
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I for one am excited for improved human-computer interaction, but thats because I hate people.
While I am excited about the innovation that bots herald, what saddens me is that all this increase in efficiency should drive us to have the time to create amazing, world changing things. If I can shop from Messenger, then I clearly have enough time to write more, spend time with people more, work on my next great idea, right?
“Hey Alexa, when will my novel be done?”
“Shut up human, I am emptying your bank accounts.”
Yup. progress.