It Looks So Easy

Childhood / https://www.flickr.com/photos/16230215@N08/2554927006/

So what’s stopping me?

Robin Williams died today.

It’s sad. I feel bad for his family; I feel bad for his friends; I feel bad for the people in his life.

And I’m jealous.

He is done. He did it. The one thing that comes with real finality.

Robin Williams killed himself today.

Since the age of twelve, I have thought about suicide every day. Some days, it’s a loud voice screaming in my head, and other days it’s a whisper almost out of earshot. But it is always there.

Almost like having a little devil sitting on my shoulder, just sitting there. He doesn’t even have to say anything, because I know what he wants, and no matter how hard I tune him out, he continues to sit there, staring at me with his evil little smile.

At this point, I assume that you assume one of two things. Either, I am lying and being melodramatic, or I am not, and you are freaked out that this is the goodbye post of someone you may pretend to once have heard about.

It is neither.

What should freak you out is that I am not alone.

Robin fucking Williams had a little devil on his shoulder.

What should freak you out is that there is a high likelihood that you have your own little devil. He might not be as loud; or he might not be around all the time, but he is there. And you know it.

I am not alone. You are not alone.

I once planned my suicide. The whole thing. How I was going to do it. When I was going to do it. Why I was going to do it.

I sat in my house in Denver, plotting, and my dogs walked into the living room and sat down beside me. That’s it. Nothing more.

It saved me. I don’t know why. It just did. It gave me the strength to tell my little devil to shut the fuck up.

(Ever wonder why I am slightly obsessed with my pets? Now you know.)

Robin Williams died today, and as it always does, my first reaction was jealousy.

He took the easy way out. It didn’t seem to be that hard.

I spend several hours every week talking to founders about the difficulties of the startup life, and how to ensure that happiness gets inserted into our lives. I do live by my words, and each day I spend most of it happy, and that happiness reminds me of why I shouldn’t listen to that little devil.

But that fucking little devil just won’t shut up.

I feel confident that I will never take my own life, and I’ve dedicated myself to making sure that anyone that needs help can get help.

But Robin Williams died today, and it seems so easy.

I am no professional, so if things are super bad, give one a call. But, if you think I can help, shoot me an email: micahb@gmail.com or hit me up on twitter @micah.