Founders Are Fixers

But we cant fix ourselves

(The image above is a piece done by Fixer in Ohio. Here is an interview with him on The Amerikans about him and the graffiti scene in Ohio.)

“You need to see a doctor.”

“But, I am. Isn’t that why I am here?”

“I am just a therapist. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

“But, I am not crazy.”

“You are a pain in my ass.”

I saw Victor once a week for six years. For four of those years, we would repeat the conversation above almost word for word each week.

Finally, I made an appointment with Dr. Antonio Wood in Boulder, CO. Turns out he is one of the best in the world when it came to mood disorders, specifically bipolar.

It took me two or three tries to make that appointment. There is nothing worse than space between knowing something is wrong and getting it confirmed.

Dr. Wood was an amazingly nice man, and his wife doubly so. I was surprised to see no couches in his office, and as I sat down I snickered at the ancient iMac with a screensaver that rotated photos of their children.

Rather than waste time on words that lead nowhere, Dr. Wood started asking me questions.

“Do you ever smell something burning, and there is nothing there?”

All the time.

“Do you ever hear your name being called, when clearly no one has?”

Yes.

“Do you ever hear someone knock at the front door, and yet, no one is there?”

I thought people were playing pranks.

“Do you ever reach down to pet your cat in your lap, only to find that she had left a while ago?”

She is wily.

“Do you ever see people out of the corner of your eye, but when you turn, no one is there?”

I see dead people.

“When did it begin?”

12.

“Do you keep to do lists? Do you wait until you are motivated? Do you have moments of mass energy?”

I live my life in the moment.

These questions went on for about 40 minutes. He stopped, nodded and walked over to his file cabinet. Pulling open the top drawer, he said, “you will be ok” and pulled out an often copied letter-size paper out of a folder.

“You have bipolar II.”

I don’t remember much of what was said after that, except the suggestion to to read the book Why Am I Still Depressed? by Jim Phelps. I read it. Through tears.

I walked to my car with some reading materials, a book suggestion and a prescription (it was the first of four different drugs I would try). I sat in my car and let out the breath I had been holding since I was 12. I knew he was right. I knew what was wrong with me.

I called the one person, the first person, that should share in the realization.

“Hi Mom. I know what is wrong with me.”

Since that day, the comment I hear most often from people who have known me for a long time is how different I am. That I have found some sort of zen. That I used to be hard to talk to because my reaction was unpredictable. Now, apparently, it is more understandable when I am being a dick. Score.

As a founder, I have often said that the one person I trust more than anyone is myself. Need it fixed? Done.

But I couldn’t fix myself. In fact, my brain is broken.

Depression/Bipolar are not mental illnesses.

What I have is a disorder. My brain has a defect, and it is incurable. I can’t just “think happy thoughts,” or “snap out of it.”

While no cure exists for bipolar disorder, it is treatable and manageable with psychotherapy and medications.

Social Media has made my management both positive and negative. On the positive side, I get to read what friends write about how they are dealing with it.

On the negative?

You are all fucking liars. There is no way your lives are always that awesome and perfect. So fuck you.

And I love you. (I’m bipolar, remember?)

I know when I have missed my medication. The medication I take, Trileptal, is used primarily in the treatment of epilepsy, so when I miss multiple doses, I can feel the electricity in my brain firing all over the place. Words no longer string together logically, my hands and arms become electric, and the skin on my chest vibrates. It feels like the old me is trying to explode out of me. Its scary enough that I never miss my medication.

I have also learned a few things that have helped me manage my bipolar. If you deal with depression or mania, it would be great if you added to this list.

Easy Over Stimulation

Because my senses seem to be heightened, I get over stimulated easily. My dad used to laugh that at family gatherings after only a few hours, he would find me in a room, with the door closed, reading.

• I work from home twice a week. My home office is almost “cave” like.

• Going to large events freak me out, so I created my own curated events. Saturday Morning Donuts is a great example of this.

• I keep meetings to 30 minutes. Any more and my head wants to explode.

• I sit in the first row at conferences. Less chance people will talk to you, and you don’t get the energy from the audience.

• I always take an hour at lunch. I leave the office. It’s my hour.

• I’ve learned my “Happy Moment” (spending 15 minutes with my dogs) and do it every day undistracted.

• I forgive myself.

Supplements and Diet

The brain lives on carbs and sugar. My enormous stomach must mean my brain is equally as large.

According to Dr. Wood, the brain wants to sleep at 10pm and wake up at 6am. The body slows down through out the night until its lowest point at 4am (which is also why most people that die in their sleep die at 4am), and then increases its activity until 6am.

If we don’t go to sleep around 10pm, then by 11pm our brain thinks we are going to stay up late, revs up and requests carbs and sugar. It’s why we get hungry late at night when we hit our second wind.

• When I don’t sleep, I binge eat. I go to sleep by midnight every night.

• High doses of Omega3 seem to help. I take 600mg a day. (300mg 2x).

• High doses of Vitamin D also seem to help. I take 10,000 IU daily.

• High volume of protein. Too many carbs and sugar make my brain rev up. A revved brain makes HULK SMASH!

• I limit coffee, tea and diet soda. I don’t drink alcohol.

• I meditate for 10 minutes every day.

• Intensity of exercise doesn’t seem to matter, but Bikram yoga seems to be really helpful. I think its the heat, plus repetition, plus environment.

• I forgive myself.

Transparency

We suffer in silence. That might be our biggest fault.

• I am writing more about it.

• I tell people when I feel depressed or manic.

• I explain why I reacted (since I still can’t catch myself in the middle) the way I did.

• I forgive myself.

Organization and Working

I used to wait for the mania to hit to feel productive. I could do a massive amount of work in a short amount of time, but it was never amazing. My senior year English teacher used to joke that regardless of the assignment, I would always get a B-. I even graduated UCDavis with a 2.7 (B-) GPA. I excel in a B- kinda way…

• Calendars are not about remember when things start, but when they finish.

• I build routines. Routines take no thought, and therefore are uneffected by my brain.

• I wear the same thing every day. Threadless tee, flip flops and shorts.

• I collaborate a lot. Shared goals are personal accountability.

• I forgive myself.

For years, I always thought there was something wrong with me. That I was evil because of my quick anger. That I was an iconoclast whose uniqueness was a badge of honor. From the moment I learned that I had an incurable disorder (problem), I have focused on building processes and treatment (solution), in the most important market I know (my life).

I may be bipolar, but I sure ain’t crazy.

If you have tips and tricks to add to the above, please do. Or email me at micahb@gmail.com or @micah. Everything is learning.